PART TWO

FADE IN FROM COMMERCIALS.

PAN on the crowd, then on the stage. The people cheer and the jazz band plays the show’s second main theme.

ANNOUNCER (pompous, in arena-style): Welcome back! Here’s the man in constant pursuit of the stolen genetic samples of his DNA... Mister Harry Jennings!

Enter Harry Jennings and regains his usual right armchair in the middle of the stage.

HARRY: Hello, thanks for joining us for the second part of The Private Life of Hollywood Youngsters. Our first ever show has started out great with Dakota Fanning, whose charming smile and grown-up talk are second only to her acting talents. We had a young girl, and now it is time for a young boy. He is fourteen years old; he has not released any motion pictures this year but has proven his voiceover skills for The Country Bears and the video-game Kingdom Hearts; he is one of the very few kids with an Oscar^® nomination behind his back and a bright career ahead... ladies and gentlemen, please welcome mister Haley Joel Osment!

(Entry music.)

Enter Haley Joel. 155cm tall, short brown hair, a broad smile. He is well built and walks with a steady pace, clearly at ease in such situations. He wears a short-sleeved military green shirt with pairing trousers and a black sweater tied around his waist. He shakes hands with Harry and sits down in his armchair.

HARRY: Welcome, Haley.

HALEY JOEL: Hello, Harry. Nice to meet you.

HARRY: My pleasure. Now, Haley...

(Loud cheers from the crowd. Some girl is screaming "I love you!".)

HALEY JOEL: Well, thanks...

HARRY: Pressure is building up, after all.

HALEY JOEL: Thank you all, really.

HARRY: Haley Joel... can I call you that? You prefer Haley?

HALEY JOEL: Well, Haley or Joel. The full name’s for when I’m in trouble.

HARRY: And we shall talk about that in a moment. Very well, Haley: I hear you have had a hard time lately. In your job, I mean: what happened?

HALEY JOEL: Well, I wouldn’t say it’s a hard time. I just decided to take a little rest.

HARRY: As I said before, you did not have any films out or TV appearances in 2002, is it true?

HALEY JOEL: Yeah, yeah, it’s true.

HARRY: Didn’t you have offers?

HALEY JOEL: On the contrary, I had many. I’d been offered five contracts, but eventually signed two and refused the others.

HARRY: Obviously we can not tell which ones you have refused...

HALEY JOEL: Obviously.

HARRY: ... but we know of those you have signed.

HALEY JOEL: Yes, it’s my first time as a dubber. I have voiced a character in the animated picture The Country Bears and one in the video-game Kingdom Hearts, which was released for PlayStation II last winter.

HARRY: And I hear it is a darn good game, isn’t it?

HALEY JOEL: Well, yes. Disney characters and Japanese animation mixed up in the same game, it’s really innovative.

HARRY: Did you have a hard time with voice-overs?

HALEY JOEL: I must confess it was not easy. It’s so much different than acting, and I have always acted so I guess I was funny in the recording room.

HARRY: What do you mean?

HALEY JOEL: I mean that every time I spoke a line I also acted like I was on film, caring for my facial expression and stuff, while in voice-over that really doesn’t matter.

HARRY: That’s right.

HALEY JOEL: But eventually I got used to this. I had a good teacher, that is.

HARRY: A dialect coach?

HALEY JOEL: Yes, but not only. In the Kingdom Hearts project I worked with Hayden Panettiere, which is about my age but has been doing voice-overs for a long time now. She taught me all the tricks.

HARRY: Young Hayden has also been nominated for a Grammy for her voice skills, and I’m sure she made a good teacher. She’s bound to be on our show sooner or later. What about you? Are you satisfied with your performances?

HALEY JOEL: Yeah, I am. I’m happy I learned something new.

HARRY: Do you plan on resuming acting this year?

HALEY JOEL: Sure. As of now I signed for two major motion pictures, but there may be others. I can’t tell more, of course.

HARRY: Oh yes, I wouldn’t even ask. Let us talk about yourself: the people still know you as "the kid from The Sixth Sense", but you are no longer a kid now. How and how much has your life changed?

HALEY JOEL: Well, it was something weird. I must say I was not prepared to the sudden changes. I mean, I love being an actor and everything, but as a child everything is funny and I took it all as a game myself. Now I think of it as a real job. A tough one, but also so much rewarding, and I’m not talking about money.

HARRY (hushed): Easy to say money isn’t everything when you’ve got your pockets packed with it.

(Intense laughter, also from Haley and Harry.)

HALEY JOEL: Well, I guess it’s true!

HARRY: I’m just kidding, of course.

HALEY JOEL: I know, don’t worry. I do have money but I can’t touch it until I’m 18... which is a full, frustrating five years!

(Laughter.)

HALEY JOEL: What I mean is that acting brings satisfaction, and I’ve always loved doing it. Even if it’s indeed one of the hardest things you can imagine.

HARRY: Now that you’re a child no longer, your views are obviously different. How did your private life change? Has anything relevant happened?

HALEY JOEL: Something, yes.

HARRY: A girlfriend? Maybe two? Fiancées? Which wedding will you invite me to?

(Laughter.)

HALEY JOEL: Oh god, no! I mean, not that I wouldn’t like it, but...

HARRY: I guess we have at least a dozen teenage girls here who are ready to date you at any time.

(Laughter and intense cheers.)

HALEY JOEL: Well, I’m flattered. I think I will eventually find the perfect one on my own.

HARRY: Speaking of this: they say that Hollywood teen stars’ life is all parties and sex and drugs. Do you confirm or deny this rumour?

HALEY JOEL: Both.

HARRY: Now, that’s what I call a certainty.

(Laughter.)

HALEY JOEL: I mean: I know for sure that such things happen among the late teenagers. But there’s also much more. Actors and actresses are normal people, you know? I’m normal, if "normal" ever meant a thing. I have pros and cons like everyone else, there are things I’m really good at and things I really suck at.

HARRY: Yes, I can say this means being normal. What about the family? Are you happy with your relatives?

HALEY JOEL: Yes, definitely. Mom and dad are... well, they’re mom and dad. Good and bad, the best and the worst.

HARRY: Gosh, it looks like my parents. Sure we’ren’t brothers?

(Laughter.)

HALEY JOEL: Well, I guess I have been a pain sometimes, when I was a kid. They say I still am, by the way.

HARRY: You mean you were a brat?

HALEY JOEL: Not exactly a brat, but I was energetic, that’s for sure.

HARRY: Did your parents have a hard time with you? Keeping you in line, I mean.

HALEY JOEL: No, it was very easy for them. Not as easy for me, though!

(Laughter.)

HARRY: Oh, so that’s it. (To the crowd:) Now we talk about...

CROWD: Spanking!

(Spank-Talk music: the 20^th Century Fox theme followed by a slap and a brief "ouch!")

HARRY: It’s Spanking Good Time here at The Private Life of Hollywood Youngsters. Mister Haley Joel Osment, are you spanked?

HALEY JOEL: No, I am not anymore.

HARRY: But you were in the past.

HALEY JOEL: Definitely.

HARRY: Your last spanking?

HALEY JOEL: Some two years ago. I was shooting A.I..

HARRY: Why did your parents stop spanking you?

HALEY JOEL: They thought I was too old. Boy, were they right!

(Laughter.)

HARRY: Do you miss your spanking?

HALEY JOEL: Hell, no.

HARRY: Isn’t it easier with a spanking? I mean, just a few slaps and it’s all forgotten.

HALEY JOEL: Well, I see your point. Sometimes I think the same myself, but then I remember it was not just a few slaps and it was not all forgotten, so I’m much better without them.

HARRY: And what do your parents do now?

HALEY JOEL: Ground me, restrict my privileges, talk me into it. The usual.

HARRY: I guess it was hard to ground you while shooting a picture, right?

HALEY JOEL: Sure thing. That’s why I was spanked even on set. Well, in my private trailer, of course.

HARRY: On the set of A.I., as you said.

HALEY JOEL: Yes, that was a pretty tough one. I’d had a bad day and was treating mom like my personal waitress. And she even acted like one for some time, but then got tired of my insults and spanked the hell out of me.

HARRY: What with?

HALEY JOEL: A slipper. Nasty thing, a slipper. She bent me over the table and peppered my arse good with it. I was a perfect angel from then on.

HARRY: So it did work, didn’t it?

HALEY JOEL: Yeah, but I’m still glad that time is gone.

HARRY: Hmm, I must insist: a spanking is much better.

HALEY JOEL: Well, I have my doubts. But my sister would definitely agree: she hates being grounded.

HARRY: Ah, young Emily. How is she? She’s done wonders in theatres with Spy Kids 2.

HALEY JOEL: Yes, she is a talent. I love her very much, and I have helped her becoming a better actress. Now she’s way better than I am.

("Ooh’s" and "Boo’s" from the crowd, who obviously don’t agree.)

HARRY: The modest guy, always.

HALEY JOEL: Well, it’s the plain truth. You should see her.

HARRY: I have, and she’s really talented. Emily is bound to be here in one of our future shows: will you accompany her then?

HALEY JOEL: Yes, perhaps. Thank you for the invitation.

HARRY: No, thank you. I think it is fairer for Emily to speak about her own punishments. Why don’t you tell us about yours, Haley?

HALEY JOEL: Well, I wasn’t spanked often but dad always made sure I learnt my lesson.

HARRY: Did he spank very hard?

HALEY JOEL: Quite hard, yes. He always used his hand on my bare bottom, but for big offences he got the belt out.

HARRY: Ouch, that must’ve stung.

HALEY JOEL: Oh yes, lemme tell you. Some of my worst memories are linked to dad’s belt. I guess that’s why I got it only four times in my life.

HARRY: The memory of your previous spanking with the belt avoided you another.

HALEY JOEL: That’s right. With three major exceptions!

(Laughter.)

HARRY: I’m asking you a question I wish to ask all the young celebrities who attend this show: what was the lightest spanking you got and what was the hardest?

HALEY JOEL: Let me think... Well, there have been several lighter spankings, but each of them was hard in a way. I was spanked only for medium and serious offences, and I never got off easy.

HARRY: An example of "lighter spanking"?

HALEY JOEL: Some two or three minutes with mom’s hand on the bare bottom.

HARRY: Full speed?

HALEY JOEL: You bet. I’d say two or three per second, but I don’t count the whacks.

HARRY: Not very light, actually.

HALEY JOEL: No, not very light.

HARRY: I can’t imagine the hardest...

HALEY JOEL: As I say, I never count the strikes, but an evening in ‘99 dad must’ve given me a hundred or so.

HARRY: With the belt?!

HALEY JOEL: Oh yes.

HARRY: What did you do?

HALEY JOEL: Something terrible, I must confess. I managed to steal, lie, betray and hurt in the same day.

HARRY: That’s hard to believe. Even I couldn’t do all of these things in the same day!

(Laughter.)

HALEY JOEL: Well, I could. I stole some money from Emily’s closet because I wanted a video-game so bad I couldn’t resist. Then I lied about it. Mom and dad were always accusing me in favour of Emily, and so I told them Emily had been skipping school for two days, a thing I had promised Emily not to tell anyone, especially mom and dad. So I betrayed her trust ‘cuz I told on her and hurt her ‘cuz mom spanked her raw.

HARRY: While dad took care of you.

HALEY JOEL: That’s right. One of my longest days, believe me.

HARRY: It’s not hard to believe you, Haley. What are your thoughts on that day? Did the spanking help?

HALEY JOEL: I sure didn’t know there and then, with my red ass burning and facing the corner, but now I can tell it did. Emily and I didn’t quite talk to each other for a week, but after that our relationship grew stronger and stronger every day. I earned back mom and dad’s trust showing them I don’t steal and don’t lie anymore – which, in fact, I never did again.

HARRY: So it did really help, after all. And better then a grounding.

HALEY JOEL: Yes, I guess so.

HARRY: Then why are you happy your spankings ended?

(Haley stops dead, unsure. There is silence in the theatre: now everyone wants to hear his response.)

HALEY JOEL: Well... I guess it’s more of an instinct thing. I mean, no kid actually wants to be spanked, right?

HARRY: I might contradict you on that one, but this is not the place nor the time. And it’s basically right. But I feel there’s something more to it, Haley. Maybe you should reconsider your choice.

HALEY JOEL: Well, it’s not that I can do much about it even if I wanted to. It’s my parents’ choice. And I agree, by the way.

HARRY: But you don’t like being grounded, and surely you don’t like the loss of privileges.

HALEY JOEL: Surely not. From this point of view, spankings were quite convenient.

HARRY: Ladies and gentlemen, today’s lesson is: "not only a spanking is effective, it can also be convenient: for kids and for parents". Let us all thank wonderful and disposable Haley Joel Osment, who was so kind to give us an account of his punishment life as a child.

(Cheers from the crowd.)

HALEY JOEL: It was nice to be here, Harry. Thanks for the opportunity.

HARRY: Any time, Haley. Any time.

Harry and Haley shake hands, and the young boy walks out accompanied by a loud applause. He is thoughtful, but makes a big smile and waves at the screaming crowd. At the last moment Harry reaches for him and plants a smack on his bottom.

HARRY (to Haley): A new-born tradition, Haley. Never mind.

HALEY JOEL (surprised, but smiling): No problem!

HARRY (to the crowd): Fine, then. We will be back in a few for the third and last part of today’s show. As I promised, there are games and surprises coming up. Stay tuned!

FADE TO COMMERCIALS.

END OF PART TWO

This story does not necessarily represent the author’s point of view about anything. It is simply a work of fiction. The characters herein portrayed are invented and do not resemble reality to the best of the author’s knowledge. This account is entirely fictitious. Any similarities to other persons, living or deceased, is purely coincidental.

This story is written for the sane amusement of adult readers. It does not intend harm and does not promote violence of any kind, including spanking. No offence is meant to any group, ethnicity or individuals. In particular no offence is meant to Haley Joel Osment!

The author does in no way endorse the non-consensual disciplinary spanking of actual children and/or teenagers.

Copyright © 2004 Haley Brimley. Contact for information and/or feedback.